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Thursday, February 23rd, 2006
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i hate senior year, with a loathing passion. stress up the wazoo.. and i am not a happy camper. saturday will bring good things, a day to myself and without whats its face. a nice day. i wont be home, and i wont be at work. this make melinda a very happy camper! but yes... i hate being stressed out like a mofo. it makes me want to break something and scream at someone. beware, you could be my next victim!
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Friday, January 27th, 2006
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"mel, behave"..."mel, be more like him."..."mel, why are you always so rude?"..."mel, why are you always uncomfortable around white people?"..."aye mel, they're only joking around, stop being such a stiff."..."you need to learn how to take criticism better"... "mel, look at mikey, he's so nice. why can't you be more like that?"
what do they expect from me? to become a brown nosing clone with a stick up my ass, and talk to people who dont even know i exist?
all those are things ihear on a very regular basis. im tired of it. im sorry im not your perfect daughter, and im sorry im not even your daughter. i've never understood why it's so hard to get accepted, even in one's own famiy. i feel like they're never satisfied, despite all my efforts. whatever, i'll get over it, like always. but when i have people who are constantly making me look like the worst kid ever, and how im so ungrateful, i hate it. i still cant get over that my mom thinks i hate "white people." just because my dad's side of the family, who is mostly white, or white washed to the point where you could never tell there was any bit of chicano in them, dont even realize that im a real person, DOES NOT MAKE ME RACIST! im anticipating june. i want to be out, on my own, and not have to worry how they view me anymore. im tired of having to hear about how so and so's daughter got into cal poly pomona, and stanford, while im going to cal state la, if anything. i just want to do something right. aaah... that felt better. i needed to rant, and no one wanted to listen. lj's a very nice rant taker-inner...SCAPEGOAT! the word im looking for. anyways, im out. i said what i had to say. peace out, pilgrims!
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Sunday, January 15th, 2006
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| Subject: | bah |
| Time: | 1:15 pm. |
| Mood: |  distressed. | | Music: | joe strummer and the mescaleros; mondo bongo. |
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so... i wrecked my car this morning, cuz my dad made me drive half asleep. i gave myself a flat tire, a cracked car, and a broken headlight. none of which i can pay to fix. anyways, im n a shitload of trouble, and i havent even begun to study for my finals. im just waiting for it all to be over. i want to pass this semester with at least a 3.0, so i can keep my position in the musical. i got the lead,thats exciting. but pretty much the only good thing goin on these days. anywho, i guess i should start studying. i have a lot of work ahead of me. later kiddies!
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Monday, January 2nd, 2006
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| Subject: | stuff |
| Time: | 5:36 pm. |
| Mood: |  aggravated. | | Music: | os catalepticos; atomic zombie. |
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so, it's a new year. new year with mike, so happy anniversary! and a new year in general. school starts tomorrow, even though i thought it started wednesday. bummer. now im stuck with a shitload of homework to do, since someone wanted to go to the movies last night rather than let me do hw. anywho. im miserable at home and have decided to begin apartment shopping. however, im not sure where i wanna go to school. i dont know. things are crazy here. my mom enjoys picking figths with me, since she cant pick any with my dad, on account of she might give him a heart attack (literally). i've been a shitty friend, and a selfish girlfriend, and i just wish i had more money. anywyas, maybe this year will be different. maybe i wont drop statistics, since i just bought my book 5 minutes ago. hmm... i cant wait for social d. our night to go out. more excitement. we havent been to any shows in a long ass time. social d will be a good one to start us back up. bah. anywho. i have homework, so off i go, i just needed to rant a little. happy new years!
just something i found amusing!
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Wednesday, November 9th, 2005
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hmm.... always giving eachother shit for pointless things... this does not define love for me. but am i putting up with this for nothing? this is love. i dont take crap from anyone...but i take his. yep... it's love. a little late to be figuring this out. im just trying to find some means of justification for our constant arguments. IM TIRED OF BICKERING!!! im fucking sick and tired of us getting pissy over nothing. im tired of friends calling, asking to go out right after we have a fight, EVERY SINGLE TIME... hmmm... a coincidence? i think not. bah... humbug. boys are stinky, why do i even bother? love. that is why i bother. it could be desperation, or longing for someone, but not with this one. as crazy as he drives me, hes different. something that draws me. when we're together, its like nothing ever happened... i dont get it. but either way... im tired of all this bullshit we go through... i've been saying, next spatter we have, im out. this was about 5 spatters ago. apparently, its not working. i fall harder and harder everytime. if he thinks he's getting away with making me wait for his fucking phone call tonight.. oh has he got another thing coming for him ... KARMA!! (or however you spell it). im being mean. sorry mike. i love you. thats all that matters, the sad, and good part is that... after all is said and done.. im still not going anywhere.
i love you.
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Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
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so... i decided, i will make a terrible housewife. i can't cook, i can't even pop popcorn (wtf?), i cannot make a damn thing, i dont clean, im not tidy, and my husband will never be able to understand me. the opposite sex and i just dont get along when it comes to relationships. boys make great friends, but they should remain just that...friends. i dont know. but im going to be a terrible wife. im too uncertain about things. i think i'll have my kid, then kick him out, and tell my kid that their father's a liar and a cheater. my mom never told me any of those things, she told me nice things about that man i was supposed to call "dad". i didnt like him much, and i've grown to hate him. he actually was a liar and a cheater. i hate men. well, men like him. i wouldnt wanna put my kids through that, and to experience such hate towards a single person at a young age. my mother was a great person, stupid bastard had to mistreat her, and screw her over. now hes fucking me over. after 17 years, dont you think he could do something right??? back to my wifey-ness. i wanna be like my mom. my grandma came in to clean our house. we ate tv dinners and munchies. we would eat our full meals at my grandma's, since she knew how to cook. i miss those days, days of innocence. it was better i didnt understand. she knew i loved her. i still do. moms are great, if you get a good one. if you have a good one, take advantage, hold on toher as long as you can. you can say the same about dads. im lucky i have a new set of parents. they dont do too bad all the time. dad loves me more.
i miss being a kid, thinking she was pregnant.
i love chelscey.... may your puppy rest in peace!!!!
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Monday, October 10th, 2005
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i can't stand gilrs.... too much fucking drama
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Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
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wtf??? they know i need sleep, so they decide to wake me up at 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING!!!! i took the day off for a reason! now im gonna be in a bad mood all day just cuz they didnt want to inconvenience themselves!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUUCK! i guess its what i get for being up till 5:30 or some shit...it was worth it!
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Sunday, September 25th, 2005
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| Time: | 3:25 pm. |
| Music: | addicted to oi!; lower class brats. |
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i asked him "do you think im cheating on you?"
"no" he replies as he looks in the opposite direction.
"you better not be lying to me... do you honestly think im cheating on you?" i said.
"yes." his only response.
it shred me to pieces, i lost all feeling inside me, i had never felt so cheap in my life... i said i felt better... i lied.
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Sunday, August 28th, 2005
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goodness, today started out as a mess. i bounced from all sorts of locations. i fixed things with my significant other (i love you), and played out an incredible, but extremely hot get away. that was funny. i've been pretty content these days. not much pleases me too much, but only one person can change all that and i love him for it. i dont like fighting with people i love. it hurts both parties. no more fighting. i think from now on, im going to try and not bicker or argue with anyone i love, just turn the other cheek. i love my friends too much, and family too. so yeah.... my thoughts.
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Saturday, August 27th, 2005
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a lot has happened this summer. i turned 17. r rated movies and a new car. my new car which got crashed into. oh well. i went to vegas with my self-procclaimed life partner. he claims to have had a good time, but i know he didnt, which was why we almost broke up in the airport on the way home. when we got home, we shared a quiet lunch at the nordstroms cafe. it was peaceful, and did not entail any bickering (for once). vegas was fun. we almost cracked our skulls at the new york new york rollercoaster. we babysat, mostly. played cards and chinese checkers with my grandma, and sometimes grandpa too. he was distant during this visit. i think hes still in denial that im not his little girl anymore that he used to carry on his shoulders and scratch my face with his beard. i love my family. i had forgotten how much they meant to me. my nina's expecting very soon. i want her baby born on sept. 23rd, so then all of my grandmas close grandkids that she raised are born on the 23rd. that would be fucking cool as hell. eh. so im bored out of my mind. new people make me smile. i like meeting new people and making new friends, diversity is much needed when it comes to friends. i miss some of my old friends tho. i miss my close friends. i miss one in particular the most (i think you know who you are). so, asu is... busy. im still waiting to attend a meeting where the entire asu is present, it makes me sad. im guilty of absence too tho. but i dont bs my absenses, i have probable cause for when im unable to go. i got a new job with my brother. he pays me better, and i have someone to talk to while i work, so it all works out. today was my first day. it went by pretty quick. i love darrell. he takes care of his little sis. so ... i guess im off now, off to watch my snl, like every lonely saturday night of my life.
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Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
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soo... im here in hawai'i with celestial & my folgies. we've been hiting teh beach, no as much as we should, but hey! i LOVE it over here!i can see myself living out here one of these days, particularly maui. but im in oahu which is VERY touristy (bleh). im surprised by the amoun of surfers that are out here, but the surf has been pretty bad ass lately. i miss everyone back home. we bought a calling card, and soon realized that it was a total bust. we saw mr. mrs. smith last night. all i can say is woah. they are soooo hot. angelina = my goddess. but anywho. tings are okay...so far. im a little bit worried about a current issue that im facing, but hopefully all will turn out well. there are sooo many abc stores in oahu. its ridiculous. there are about 2 on every block (gross). but anywho.. they sell a bunch of IZ stuff in the back of som of them. but anywho.. celeste is over here faling asleep n stf its like 9:50 hawai time. so, i guess im all done. i come home monday night. im sure everything will be okay by then.
i still have someone on my mind...
...i'll be fine, one of these days, i know i'll be fine
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wow...this weekend feels like nothing happened, when in reality.. a lot has happened. i learned some things. i learned i still have the ability to make someone smile, i talent i thought i had completley lost. i learned not to stare at the floor while im walking, i might bump into people. i learned to eat when im hungry, or i'll get a terrible headache. i also learned fibbing to your folks isnt very wise. oh! and im learning a whole semester's worth of algebra right this moment. hooray!
anthony called me today... it was interesting. i missed him and didnt even know it.
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| Subject: | bleh |
| Time: | 10:07 pm. |
| Mood: |  stressed. | | Music: | demented are go; clitoris bite boogie. |
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it didn't occur to me until yesterday that this is our last week of school. history project's due (yuck) but grad night's coming. i dont have to take my chem final (yay) and im trying to exempt at least one more. i dont see how im gonna bring up some of my grades. i have the one week left. it's really gross. fuck ap spanish. i dont think im gonna get in.. oh well. summer school coming too. oh well.
i LOVE tiger army. in case no one knew... nick 13 is so hot, even when he is making his stupid vampire faces! mike and i had fun, we wee a lot closer than last time, and a lot hotter. mikey took a nasty ass pic of me all sweaty n crap. cutie picked me up and took me to rehearsal, it made me smile.
im starting to realize things, and im learning to move on. it's difficult when someone is ALWAYS around you. i don't want to move on, but people are always telling me that i need to. and i guess i do. certain things are unhealthy for me. my obsession is very unhealthy. i wish i could go back in time and erase certain people from my life, so i could be happy with my obsession. but if i think about it... i don't think certain feelings are mutual anymore. fuck society and their stupid moral standards.
christine; thanks for my little text today, you opened my eyes a bit on an issue that i've been struggling with for quite sometime now... thanks! I LOVE JESUS! lol.
i guess im done. not much left to be said. so ... yeah
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| Subject: | today |
| Time: | 9:40 pm. |
| Mood: |  crushed. | | Music: | Billy Holiday; Smoke Gets in Your Eyes. |
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freaky friday! big woop... i got to do my hair totally awesome today and no one could tell me "no!" i loved itZ! its sad when the only thing that can make me happy or smile is a fucking hairstyle. oh well, just shows my lack of capabilities and friends. so i came to the bitter realization that there's not much left for me. i dont know, maybe im over-doing it. i hate how some people think that everything i say is meant to be aimed towards them NOTE TO CHRISTINE: ur not the only negative person i've dealt with this week. you my dear, are surprisingly the least of my problems (for this week)
so, my old friend margaret died yesterday morning. thank you to my mother for forgetting to tell me. margaret and i used to hang out when my pops was working in city hall and some time after that cuz he aunt worked for my pop. we were cool, ahe was a fun person. it's trippy cuz i was thinking about her not too long ago, like how she;s doing and stuff. so i get home from performing arts night, do my english paper, and then i go in my moms room and she's like "btw...ur friend died" i was in complete shock. i couldn't believe what i had heard. margaret was only 17. its been two days since she died, and they still don't know how she died. it's hitting me pretty hard. i didn't really tell anyone about it, cuz i didn't think they'd understand. oh well. wow. im almost 17. what if i died, and no one knew how? i hate the doctors that killed her. i know thats what it was. too young. man, it's so trippy the way things happen. im so scared, i want to try to preserve my life. i've began to realize, little by little, that there is some sort of value to my life. now that i have certain people apart of it, i have found a value to it. so, i guess i should preserve it and not be selfish to those few who actually value my life as well. brian. what would i do without him? my "tower of strength" we need eachother, and we both know it. i know if he died, i'd start questioning my purpose in life again. im sure he'd do the same. wow... trippy shit. i guess im done...
martine performed, and i loved it. she made a funny face when she messed up, it was cute. some guy thought she was a boy... another funny happening. some little girls came up to me today and asked me how i got my hair to stick up. i like little kids. they make me happy. another reason for me to live; to have kids...lots of them
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Saturday, April 30th, 2005
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| Time: | 3:32 pm. |
| Mood: | lonely. | | Music: | lady sings the blues; billie holiday. |
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things havent been going oh so great latley... im fucking up again, people are hurting me, and i dont know... i should stop my moping and move on. people get hurt all the time, and they move on just fine, why can't i do the same? i guess its one of those things that i'll never understand or be able to change about myself. i tell myself i wont get too attatched to one person, be it a friend, significant other...whatever, and this last time i did, i thought everything would be okay, and of course, i overestimated things, and it led up to the worst. a lot of people are surprisingly different lately, and i dont understand it... everyone is always in a rage, or they're depressed, and many people take it out on the people around them, who love and care for them. i hate that in people... i find myself doing that too. im sorry. i am honestly, and genuinely sorry. i have too much love in my heart to be mopey and pissy to the people i love the most. i hate when they do that to me, so why should i be doing that to them?? there's always room for improvement, and i just need to fill in that space.
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Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
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| Time: | 9:36 pm. |
| Mood: | distressed. | | Music: | who killed the cheerleader; nekromantix. |
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so...today was gio's b-day and my folks had a party for him...i have been on my damn feet all day since 8:30 this morning, mikey got to the house to help out and i was still in my pj's...apparently there's a car chase going on right now in eagle rock and my nina almost got hit. i cut my hair...its super short, i look like a little boy... oh well... today was a a busy day, yesterday could've been much worse than the way it turned out... my mom really must love mikey.. oh well... anywho... people died at school, that was depressing, i missed out on prom, too bad for me, i got my ass yelled at instead. mike'd runk, oh well, nothing i can do about it. im in one of those moods where i wanna go into my state of unconciousness, oh well... im sooo sleepy and just bleh right now. at least i learned some techniques on my bass... so yeah. looks like i lose more and more people close to me as the days progress... oh well...im tired of typing, so yeah.
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| Time: | 11:08 pm. |
| Mood: | anxious. | | Music: | mikey attempting to sing. |
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eeep! closing night is tomorrow... HOWEVER... we have another performance for the little kids at the church n stuff... so im excited!!!! so yeah... first times are always the best times.. goshness.. i love this musical!!! it's helped me out, surprisingly enough! wowzers! so yeah... i dont know. i take my permit test tomorrow also, i havent studied yet, oh well! i guess i'll go n study... so yeah...
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Thursday, March 10th, 2005
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| Time: | 5:35 pm. |
| Mood: | discontent. | | Music: | postal service. |
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um... so i decided, im going to die in a week, cuz thats when our opening night is n stuff... so yeah... my old fave uncle died today... i kinda knew it would happen, but i didnt think it would come so soon. i dont know... lisa took us home today, i love how it took us like 2 hours to get home. but it was fun... talking about sex during our meal of spaghetti, n then going to natalies and almost dying cuz of her stupid cat. then going back to school where christine was picked up along the journey. we then went for gas while i read my old text messages, cuz i was bored out of my mind as christine made a poor attempt at alphabetizing lisa's cd collection. we then took christine home, n then priscilla, where were delayed by a stupid roofing truck that decided to take up the whole fucking street in an attempt to park. lisa's going to be rich, so shes going to take priscilla and i to dinner every night(yaay)! so yeah... i dont know... im kind of like... just out of it. antonio won the majority of the votes, so my hard work paid off. now i have to work double hard for the run-off mayoral crap. so yeah...
i prayed for my uncle last night, cuz at confo we had the anointing of the sick talk so we had to pray for people, and he was the first on my list... the second was someone near and dear to my heart who isnt terribly ill, but i felt that person needed a little something, i dont know... i felt thoughtful, and i later got scolded by mark for it, but w/e. okay... so im getting bored with this entry... i still need sleep... ciao!
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| Time: | 3:08 pm. |
| Mood: | crappy. |
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IM DYING!!!!! im on the verge of suicide cuz im BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!!! oh goodness! christine is sitting here trying to RUIN MY ENTRY!!! what a poop face! so yeah.... i dont know what to put in my entry anymore... blah blah blah blah! um... lets see... what happened today? in improv, we sat on our asses and talked about animals and electricuted rats (good times) and now im invading yearbook, like always bothering the "staff" i was already harassed for "getting someone in tourble" but w/e... i dont understand why some people have to be so secretive about things, but w/e. IM STILL DYING!!!! my mom forgot to come pick me up, so now im just here being bored. yep... i need friends, and we have established that no one gets excited to see melinda, WOW IM PATHETIC! the REALLY sad part is that it took me this long to realize it. okay... now im getting bored with this shit, so i guess i'll go now... um... yeah.... poop!
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joelsriotgrl's journal
sick.
tired.
contemplative.